February 16, 2020 | by David March.
True listening is an artful skill. It is something that is essential if we are to build our communication skills. Yet, many of us do not take the time to develop it to its fullest extent. What is more common is selective listening, rushing to judgement, we cut others off, we interject our thoughts, this does not promote good will.
There are various ways we characterize listening. Let’s talk about the juxtaposition of internal and external listening. You can listen to your heart, you can listen to your inner wisdom, or you can listen for the inner call to adventure as touched on in the second step of the hero’s journey. You can also listen externally to music, carefully breaking down the instruments you hear, you can listen to the sounds of nature, or listen to a friend tell their story or even listen to your co-workers or your boss.
There is a virtue in listening, the most prominent and important virtue in listening is “patience.” Even in everything mentioned above patience is key. It takes patience and stillness in the mind to understand the meaning behind words, understand tonality, and speech patterns (speaking fast, slow, the space between pauses). It is also evident when listening to music to be able to distinguish between instruments.
For the purposes of this article, to advance not only your career but your life as a whole we will be talking about listening in four important forms:
The Four Types Of Listening
“Intuitive Listening”, “Egoless Listening” , the combination of the two and “egocentric listening.” When you combine the first two forms of listening, it produces the most amazing results. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. The best coaches, therapists, and counselors understand this.
The technique is to listen to promote, grow, strengthen and provide progress without judgement. You want to allow for a free-flow of ideas, making a judgment too soon may stop another person’s mind wheels from turning. Hear it all then form your response as needed. Great listening is a powerful and freeing experience.
Intuitive Listening
Intuitive listening includes listening for the meaning behind words, understanding tonality, and speech patterns. Making connections in this way is part of this powerful form of listening. The other part is taking that raw information and applying it in a way to promote and grow the individual. It’s the kind of listening you use when you care deeply about someone and want to really know what they are saying. You ask clarifying questions to understand the meaning behind the other person’s words. You polish ideas until they are shiny and bright. Eventually they are just like diamonds.
When using intuitive listening, it is typically good to follow-up with your interpretation of what the person is saying, to clarify whether your understanding is on point or not. Jumping around is fine provided there is a common ground for communication. Be sure to adapt your communication style to the different personality types to ensure clarity and comprehension.
Egoless Listening
The other important skill in mastering the art of listening is egoless listening. Steven Covey in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, has a great lesson on “egoless listening.” He advises, “First seek to understand, then to be understood.” Instead of trying to understand what someone else says from your own perspective, put away any of your own pre-conceived ideas, projections, or thoughts. Just listen to them patiently. Looking at it from their perspective. This makes it “egoless,” and it is done so you can step into the other person’s shoes. This is the kind of listening you can expect from working with a “Client-Centered Coach.”
When using ego-less listening, you put someone else’s concerns before your own. You seek to move as a unit and live harmoniously. You want to cooperate and co-create. You take the time to share their ideas and encourage buy-in with others. This of course takes time and in some cases a lot of time. This is a good time for mind-mapping especially if you are discovering something new to you, for example a career change. However long it takes, the person is usually grateful that you listened to them.
Summary Of Intuitive And Ego-Less Listening
To sum it up, the best listeners embody the Buddhist saying “Form is emptiness and emptiness is form.” When listening to the person they become like water poured into a sophisticated container. Where each person is this uniquely shaped container. Flowing into them and assuming the other’s personality or values to see things from their viewpoint. After this returning to themselves. Their form is empty and free flowing and can therefore change and adapt. They are able to walk in other person’s shoes. This is a skill not only available to empaths, although they have greater ability to do so. One can also be trained.
Ego-Centric Listening
The fourth form of listening is ego-centric listening, below are my thoughts on it and a real-world example.
Most people on a daily level are concerned with “what’s in it for me?” and “what am I getting out of this?” While these may be good questions, they serve as a divider between you and the other person and makes the other person feel disingenuous, disconnected, and not unified with you.
Ego-centric listening can characterize a person that doesn’t really care what you have to say they have something already in their head , they only half listen to you.
Lets take for example this scenario. Here is John, he is a football coach close to retirement, he has two sons. One seems to have an aptitude for football, his name is Jake, he plays well, seems to want to pursue playing in college. John continues to put him in places where he can perform well and puts him in contact with people who can get him on a good college team. Jake tells him he’s just ok with playing football, what he really wants to do is become a sports commentator or a talent scout !
John half listens, downplays the importance of this because he’s unaware of how to help him in those career directions. He believes there’s more money in playing for a major team. John’s connections can get Jake on the team and he will be all set. After graduation with support from his dad, Jake makes it on a major team! However Jake is unhappy. He has his own ideas on another aspect of the sport.
The Pitfalls Of Ego-Centric Listening
As fate would have it, Jake wasn’t paying attention during a play and gets injured. He unfortunately gets put on the side lines. He cannot play. Jake has lost much time and energy in a field that is not his passion. He feels he has preserved to his detriment and feels discouraged. John is lost in this tragedy as well.
Jake tells his dad his heart is not in continuing to play, he just did it cause he didn’t want to disappoint him. He wants John to listen more intently this time to what he really wants to do. Ego-Centric listening has led to this point. However, It’s not too late. There is still time to change direction.
Intuitive or Egoless listening would have led perhaps to a heart to heart talk on what Jake’s possibilities were. Then led to some SMART goal setting. At this point they may have come to the conclusion that seeking out a career counselor was the right answer or doing a personality assessment. Overall, it’s important to take the time and listen.
If you have experienced something like this and want to see what you can do to listen better and be clearer as to how you can reach your career goals. It’s time to be proactive. Seek out a Career Coach.
To take the next step, schedule a call with me at https://calendly.com/coachdavemarch
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